Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Contemplating love...

What else does one do in the season of love? Some may soar over new found affections...others may relish in memories...there are those too who still seek that gift of the heart.

I, for one, find myself settling into my mind and heart and searching.

"Searching for what?", you might say. Well, it seems love has taken a new shape for me, as of late. Things are not as easy, relaxed, or blissful as they used to be. Things are strained...tough work. People change...and with those changes come new challenges. They say all relationships experience this. Regardless, it's love that keeps me here, keeps my heart working for more.

The other day in the process of helping my family pack for their move, I stumbled across a box I labored in love over to contain all of the sweet nothings my love and I had exchanged when we were together previously, so many years ago...a box I believed to be long gone and had mourned over losing. My love and I stood in the dirty garage pouring over the old memories...the poems...dried flowers, and little things we made. So much of that new love came back to me and overwhelmed my heart.

And I it selfish to long for the early days when the tiniest thing would send my heart all a-flutter? Is it wrong to want the romantic gestures, the poetry, the original songs written just for want the magic back?

I know I am only is he. But it is no mystery my heart has always been driven by love...that is one thing that will never change. I will always long for and seek out that divine feeling once more. To me, love is a form of worship. A gift. I can not easily let that feeling die...

So, I struggle with this...I don't want to seem ungrateful for the love I have...I know my search will only make him feel inadequate or judged. That is not my intent at all. Quite the contrary. I want him to feel the magic once more, too! But often times I feel...I don't know...I don't feel like the beautiful damsel that has stolen his heart, anymore. I don't feel worthy.

Will that feeling pass? Or has that time passed, never to return?

I think the hardest thing is knowing after years and years of back and forth, being together, or with another, and back again, struggling with family acceptance in the beginning and so on, old trust issues, and overcoming these things finally...we are still technically in the early stages of our relationship: not yet engaged or married, no children of our own, etc. These are the things my heart once day dreamed about, gushed over, anticipated! Now, it just seems so long overdue, the magic is waning.

What does one do to reclaim the innocence of the heart?

I've prayed a lot, lately, for one. Discovering a renewed connection with God and a desire to fill my heart with his love and goodness...a desire to be the shining example of his grace I once was. Most of all a desire to remove my defects of character...the fear in my heart that makes me less than I could be. So, this is my present journey.

My greatest fear is knowing this isn't so much a part of my lovers life. I find it difficult to broach the subject, in fact...and don't desire to put any more strain on our relationship than already exists. But I must be honest with him...I must be true to my heart, as well.

So, how do I attempt to grow in my spirituality, to reopen and heal my heart, showing me the way to the love we once had...without imposing on his ways and beliefs?

This is my challenge...

That aside, I want to make clear, I'm eternally grateful for my blessings, grateful to be loved at all, grateful for his children whom love me, for my home, my family, a good job, and more.

But I cannot ignore the call of my heart...I can only surrender my fears, my doubts, and await the answer. I will continue to seek a better me, to grow and to love with all of my heart. I will continue to open my heart to my love and hope to see an easiness return to his heart, too. I may not be where I want to be in life and love...but I can be. We can be.

I will "expect a miracle" as they say. :)

Love is a miracle, after all...and we're all deserving.

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