Friday, February 11, 2011

She's a wanderer: coping with my gypsy ways...

So, a lot has been on my mind lately. No suprise then, up and creating a blog at this very moment, eh? It was time.

My mind and heart have been swarming with thoughts on my future, my relationship, and habits...on to my dreams, goals, desires, and much...almost too much. I've never been one to take things easy. I like to plan and then conquer with all my might.

What can I say? I'm determined...passionate! :)

One of the many things I've been wrestling with is coping with the gypsy in my heart...that free-spirited woman ready to up and discover the next utopia around the bend. It's no mystery that I never pictured myself as a Texas kind of gal. Don't get me wrong, I've been here a long time and have met so many wonderful people along the way that have changed my life...but it was never my dream to live in the land of the ultra conservative, land of the expansive and flat, forever. It's got a lot of charm in many ways...but I need some place where I can bloom and grow. I'm not sure that's here.

In my heart I still have dreams of a heavily wooded play ground to let my imagination and spirit run free. A bohemian paradise. A place that my family can feel connected to the Earth on which they reside. A place to inspire and move help me grow. What can I say? I was born in Arkansas. I got a little spoiled by trees, rolling hills, long winding roads cutting into steep cliffs, and so on. To me that feels like home.

In addition, I feel disconnected from a huge part of who I am: the music, the art, the people who think and live as I do, with compassion, love, good intention, and vigor! I need a sense of community.

So, why not jump up and sate that desire, you say?! in all good stories, there's a catch. (Life loves those.)

Yes! I have a job that isn't mobile, that provides money that I need to pay for things I own...I have family that counts on me to be near, available, a part of their lives...and a home that I've only really just begun to nest in...and let's not forget FIVE dogs to take with me if I were ever to leave here. I have responsibilites and ties. "The works." All of which I am grateful for, actually...let's not be mistaken on that!

But as of late, this feeling has been more nagging than usual. I feel as if there's something I'm not doing that I should. That perhaps I've wandered too far from my intended path. I don't know. I feel there are things I'm meant to do, places I'm meant to discover and revel in, and so much more. I feel a little stagnant...without purpose. I know none of these are fully true. I can do something! But where is my path headed? And where do I want to be at the next stop?

Perhaps this discontent, restless feeling will pass...perhaps this feeling will grow stronger. Who knows? For now, my circumstances are not obliging.

SO, I intend to sit on it...pray on it, manifest with all my might and wait for my destiny to call me loud and clear....loud enough that I cannot push it out. Then, I will see if the stars align themselves for me. I've gotta have faith that there's more in store for me.

I only hope that somehow, some way, I will find that little slice of heaven that will be my own. That my family will call home. Where our dreams will be realized.

So, for's to that! :D

All my love.

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